Everything's Not Lost
by TowMondler
Summary: One of the friends goes through a tough time, horrible summary, just try it out
1. Everything's not lost

~* Okay, so here's my next one. This is just the start. The song is by Coldplay. So please review and I'll write the next chapter.~*

Disclaimer: I don't own the characters, or at least some I do. Okay, here let's put it this way: if you've heard their name on the show, I don't own them. 

She was sick of crying. That's all she ever did anymore. She cried over the fact that her marriage was over, or maybe it had never began. They had married out of convenience, so that her daughter could be born in wedlock. Now, five years later, she was a mess and had no one to turn to. No one at all. All her friends, including her ex-boyfriend were in New York city moving on with their lives and living. Living. What was that like? She didn't think she could qualify as living. Breathing, yes, that she was doing. But living? No. She didn't think she was. Her friends were becoming successes, they had children now and were married. They had mourned the loss of a friend from their group when she had first moved, but then they just sort of got it together and moved on. And where did that leave her? In Chicago, with a five-year-old daughter and a cheating husband. Why was she doing this to herself? Why had she made the choices that she had? It wasn't fair, it wasn't right. She needed to leave there. Go back to New York? No, what had Thomas Wolfe said? 

You can never go home again. 

That was so true, she couldn't go back. She couldn't crawl back and ask them to help her out. Not after the way she left it. Not after she had listened to her husband when he had said that he didn't like her friends, didn't think that they were a good influence on her. Not after she followed him to Chicago. She had begged them to understand. And they had...to an extent. She knew that she had asked too much towards the end. She knew that even her best friend had been right when she had told her that she needed to choose. And she had. It wasn't their fault that she didn't like what she had chosen. 

__

If you ever feel neglected

if you ever think all is lost

I'll be counting up my demons, yeah, 

hoping everything's not lost

everything's not lost

"Is this what you want?" Her best friend had yelled. "Is this really and truly what you want?" Then her best friend's baby daughter had begun to scream from the other room and she had sighed and hissed the final words at her. "Then go. And I hope that you're happy with what you've chosen. But don't come back if you find that you're not and expect things to be here just like you've left them." It was asking too much, she knew. And as she watched her best friend walk out of the room, and essentially out of her life, she knew that there was no going back. If it didn't work then she couldn't run back to them and beg them, she would have no right. Not because she moved, or got married, or was going to have a baby, they would protect her and love her through all of that. It was because she gave them up without much a fight.

"Is that what all of you think?" She had asked the rest of her friends. She knew that most of them would agree with their friend. Especially him. He always chose her side, but the others. Well, she wasn't so sure about them. 

"I think that maybe you should leave," who had said that? One of them, she couldn't remember now. _You should leave. You should leave. Leave. Leave. _

Leave. 

Get out. 

Go.

Don't come back.

Don't expect things to stay the same. These were the words the they flung at her that night. That night that she had left. Those were the same words that she had flung at her husband in a vain attempt to be strong. To make him see that she was resilient and could do this on her own. Now her own daughter cried as she sat in the dark and drank away her pains. 

__

when I'm counting up my demons

There's always one for everyday 

With the good ones on my shoulder

I drove the other ones away

"I'm coming," her own voice even seemed different to her. Oh, God, what had happened to her? She stood on shaky legs and walked back to her daughter's bedroom. 

"Mommy," the little girl sniffled. She looked exactly like her. 

"Hi sweetheart," she said and picked her up and kissed her cheek. 

"My tummy hurts."

"Come on, and stay with me." She had named her Eva. Eva meant life. Her Eva meant life too. Without Eva she had nothing. She had no one. She could not exist without her. She pushed the curls from off Eva's face and carried her into her bedroom. Evie climbed into the bed and crawled under the covers. 

"Aren't you coming silly?" Eva asked. That was her latest word, silly. 

"Absolutely darling," she assured her. And she made her way over to the bed and sat down next to her daughter. 

__

If you ever feel neglected

if you think all is lost

I'll be counting up my demons

hoping everything's not lost

"Mommy?" Evie looked up at her sleepily. 

"Yes sweetheart?"

"Where's Daddy?" Her daughter's face so innocent. How to tell her what her father had done? How to tell her that she had kicked him out of the apartment and told him to go sleep with his little whore and not come back? She couldn't tell her the truth, and she couldn't lie either. 

"He's moved out baby," she went with a half truth. 

"Why?"

"Grown-up stuff. Go back to sleep," she leaned and kissed her forehead. 

"When's he coming back then?" Evie didn't want to let this go.

"I don't think he is." Her daughter's bottom lip quivered and that was just another reason to curse him. 

"Why not? Doesn't he love me?"

"Oh sweetie, of course he does. How could anyone not love you?"

"Then why?" Why? Hadn't she asked herself that very same question? What had she done wrong that he would sleep with another woman and leave his wife and daughter? Why? Why had she left New York in the first place? Why had she fallen in love with him? Why hadn't she listened to her friends when they told her not to date him? She could write a book on all the why's.

"I don't know baby. I don't know." She could feel the hot tears begin their unrelenting descent down her cheek.

"Mommy, please don't cry." She was a horrible mother now too. Crying in front of her child. She should be strong and keep her head up. Little fingers tried to brush the tears away. She took hold of the little hand and pressed it to her cheek and then to her lips.

"Go to sleep honey." Finally Eva nodded and closed her eyes. Once her breathing had steadied, the tears came at more alarming rate as she sat and cried over all the things that had gone wrong. 

__

When you thought it was over

you could feel it all around

everybody's out to get you

don't you let it drag you down

She packed a bag with all of her stuff in it. Then she moved down to Eva's room and packed her stuff as well. Then she placed both bags out by the front door and went around and looked for anymore of the sentimental items that she would want with her. Eva's baby book, her baby pictures, and pictures of her and her friends. Those were the days. Sitting around drinking coffee and complaining about lost loves and lost jobs. Maybe they still did. Even with their children, she couldn't imagine their lives had changed all that much. She knew that two of them had moved out into the suburbs to raise their kids. She shivered and turned up the heat, although she knew that the cold was only one reason that she had shivered. What was she doing? She couldn't go back. But she couldn't stay. 

"Mommy?" Eva was awake. She went back to the bedroom. 

"Hi sweetie, come on, breakfast is ready and then you and I are going to go on a little trip."

"Really?" This excited Eva. How she wished that it would excite her as well. 

"Yes, really, come on." Evie hopped out of bed and ran to the kitchen were she climbed onto the chair and began eating the cereal. 

"I'm done, can we go now?" She called a few minutes later. 

"Are you really done?"

"Yes."

"Did you drink your milk?"

"Yes."

"Okay, come go to the bathroom and we'll go." She heard the chair against the linoleum and she heard Evie run past her to the bathroom. She took a deep breath. 

"Where are we going?" Evie asked as they made their way down to the bus station. 

"New York," she said trying to smile at her daughter. "We're going to New York." 

__

cause if you ever feel neglected

If you think that all is lost

I'll be counting all the demons

singing out oh yeah

everything's not lost

come on yeah, oh yeah, come on yeah

She stood outside the large suburban house. She had made it this far, she couldn't turn back now. Eva glanced up at the house.

"That's a big house," she said knowingly nodding her head.

"Yes."

"Who lives there?"

"My old best friend."

"Are we going to see her?"

"If she'll see me."

"Why wouldn't she?"

"I wasn't very nice when I left."

"Why did you leave?" She looked down at her daughter.

"My, my, aren't you the inquisitive one?" 

"I don't know what that means." She laughed. "Is she going to yell at you?" Her tactic of getting Evie to think of something else hadn't worked very well.

"She might."

"Will you cry?"

"I might."

"I don't want to see you cry." She leaned down and gave Evie a kiss.

"Thank you." She took a deep breath and began to walk up the front walk to the door. This was it. Now or never. She could do this. She could do this. Her hand rose unsteadily to knock on the door. She heard laughter and movement to the door. It opened and she got ready for the reaction of her friend. 

"Oh my God." 

"Hi."

"Chandler? Come here," her friend's hand rose to her mouth. "Rachel?"

__

everything's not lost

oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah

everything's not lost

come on yeah, yeah, yeah

everything's not lost

sing out yeah

~* You thought that because you all know me, it was going to be Monica, right? Well, ha! Oh, but fear not, because I will still find a way to make it a Mondler fic. Anyway, review and tell me how you thought of the beginning. ~*


	2. Life is unfair

~* Did I shock you with Rachel at the end of the first chapter? That was the general idea, but here is the next part. I hope that you enjoy it and I hope that you review.~*

Disclaimer: Despite my dreams that one day I will wake up and they're mine, I don't own the characters. Except of course for Eva and the other children. I own them...well, sort of.

Chandler appeared beside his wife. 

"Rachel?" He asked in the same surprised voice Monica had a second before. 

"Hi."

"Is this....?" Monica's attention turned south to Eva who was clinging to her mother.

"This is Eva, she's five," Rachel said placing her hand on Eva's head. Inside a baby began to cry and Monica turned from Rachel and then back to her as if deciding which to deal with first. 

"I got her Mon," Rachel heard from inside. Phoebe. Phoebe was there. She didn't know if she should be happy or upset by the fact that Phoebe was there. That meant that all the others were there too. This way, she could just deal with them all at once, but at the same time, Monica and Chandler were going to be enough to deal with. She cleared her throat. 

"Monica," she began. "I shouldn't have come." She took Eva's hand and turned away from the door. Monica looked at her husband who nodded and she ran after her long lost friend. 

"Rachel!" Monica called. "Wait." Rachel paused and closed her eyes. 

"It was a mistake," she said as the tears fell.

"Coming back is a mistake?" 

"No, it was a mistake. My marriage, leaving you guys, it was all a mistake. A stupid, stupid mistake!" Eva watched the entire scene with wide eyes. 

"Then why did you do it?" Monica asked. If she was angry, or was going to forgive her, Rachel didn't know. Monica's voice betrayed nothing. Why did she do it? That was the question of the century. She did for many reasons, most of which she was sure that Monica wouldn't understand. Or maybe she would. She had been in love, still was in love, with Chandler. So much so that nothing else mattered. So much so that she would have moved hell and high water for him. She would have gone to the ends of the earth if he had asked, no matter who she left behind or hurt in the process. And he had asked her. Her husband, Chris, had asked her to move with him to Chicago, he had asked her to give up her friends and her life, and she had done it. Gladly. But there was the difference between her and Monica, Chandler worshiped Monica, her feelings were reciprocated completely. He would do anything for her as well. He would die for her, he would cheat and steal for her. Chris, although he claimed that he loved her, in the end didn't feel the same way. Rachel had invested far more of herself into her marriage then her husband had.

"I don't know, Monica. Love? A sense of responsibility? I didn't want to raise her on my own," Rachel motioned to Eva.

"We would have helped you! We would have done anything that you wanted or needed!" Monica was right. Of course she was. Rachel could do nothing but shrug. "It's freezing out here, come inside." She started inside and Rachel and Eva slowly followed her. Chandler had stood by the door the entire time watching. Rachel approached him and he gave her a small smile. 

"Come in," he bent down to Eva's level. "Do you know what?" 

"What?" Eva asked. It was the first time she had spoken up.

"I have a little girl whose only about a year older then you. Her name is Juliana," Chandler said. "And she has a room full of toys, and if you like, she and I can take you up there to play." Eva looked to Rachel for permission, and when Rachel nodded, Eva allowed a smile to grace her face. Chandler disappeared around the corner into the living room. Monica took Rachel's and Eva's coats and began to hang them up. Chandler reappeared with a little girl in his arms. She was an exact replica of Monica. 

"Juliana," Rachel breathed. "I haven't seen her since she was a baby." 

"I'm almost six now," Juliana said sticking out her tongue to concentrate on holding up six fingers. Monica smiled at her daughter. 

"Come here baby," she said and Chandler placed her on the floor and she ran to her mother. Monica fixed the blue bow in her hair. She looked like the perfect mother. How had Rachel known that Monica would be the perfect mother? That together with Chandler they would be the perfect family complete with a perfect house and a perfect marriage? She wondered if they knew that it was dangerous to have that much perfection. She had thought her life was perfect with the perfect daughter and perfect husband. No, she told herself, Monica and Chandler know that they make mistakes, that they are not infallible. At least she hoped that they knew. For their sake, for Juliana and apparently their other kids' sake. "Take Eva up to your room and play for a little while, okay? Share your toys with her."

"Gotcha Mommy," and Rachel realized that while Juliana had inherited her mother's looks, she had her father in her. 

"Everyone is here," Monica said gesturing to the living room. 

"Everyone?" 

"Ross, his wife Jackie, his son, Phoebe, her fiance Mike, Joey, his new girlfriend Nina, and us," Chandler spoke up. By this time, a little boy came running in with Phoebe who was holding a baby girl in her arms. 

"Mon, she's been crying for you, what's going on out here?" She handed the infant to Monica as the boy jumped up and down and then noticed Rachel. "Hi Rach. Rachel?" 

"Hi Pheebs," Rachel said softly. Phoebe didn't respond, just stared at her friend. 

"What are you doing here?"

"I...." 

"Why don't we go into the living room?" Chandler suggested. Rachel nodded. 

"Is that your son?" She asked she smiled at the little boy who with sandy hair and bright blue eyes looked like his father. He gave a small smile back at her and then hid behind his father. 

"This is James, we call him Jamie," Monica introduced. "He's three."

"He's adorable Monica. And her?"

"She's six months. Madeline, we call her Maddie." 

"She's beautiful." 

"Thank you," Monica never let her gaze wander from Rachel's face. Rachel felt as if she was under a microscope and Monica was scrutinizing her every move. Chandler scooped Jamie up in his arms and tucked him under his arm as he carried him into the living room. 

"This house is amazing," Rachel said to Chandler. She was trying everything she could to get them to forgive her. And if complementing every part of their life was the way to go, then it wasn't beneath her. 

"Thank you," Chandler said and he braced himself for the reaction of the rest of the people in the living room. Rachel was still waiting for some sign on Monica's part that either she hated her and she would never ever forgive her, or else that she was done being angry. Rachel wondered if Monica was going to introduce her like in the movies. The whole look-whose-come-home, and in the back of her mind she hoped that, like in the movies, someone would jump up and hug her and tell her that they've missed her and all is forgiven. She quickly realized two things. 1: This was not a movie, and 2: they were not ready to forgive her. The entire room was silent as she stood in the doorway. 

"Rachel." It wasn't a question. It was a statement made by Joey who sat with a pretty brunette on the floor of the immaculate living room. Ross simply stared as he held a toddler in his arms. The woman next to him, who Rachel supposed was his wife, and Joey's girlfriend and Phoebe's fiance sat confused. They had heard of Rachel, but she was simply a myth to them. A legend. 

"This is Rachel?" Jackie asked Ross. 

"Yes," Phoebe had found her voice, Rachel could see. "This is Rachel." Well, if she thought she was going to get sympathy from Phoebe, she could now see that she was mistaken. Phoebe had practically spit out her name as if it was poison in her mouth. 

"Wow," Nina breathed. "We've heard a lot about you." In a not so subtle way, Joey told her to be quiet by pinching her. She covered her mouth and Rachel felt uncomfortable. 

"Do you have a place to stay?" Chandler asked clearing the painful silence that had filled the room.

"Um...." Rachel shifted slightly. "Not really....I was just going to get a...."

"You can stay here," Monica spoke up surprising everyone including herself. 

"Really?" Rachel asked relieved. 

"Yes. You can stay here. You and Eva can stay here."

"Eva?" Ross spoke up. "Is that your daughter?"

"Yes, she's five. She's upstairs with Juliana." Rachel wanted to hug all her friends, she wanted to cry in Monica's arms. She wanted to tell Ross that she had missed his dinosaur stories, and Phoebe that she had missed her songs. She wanted to hear Chandler tell a joke, and hear Joey make a faux pas and not even notice it. She wanted things to be the same again. And she knew that it was impossible. It was impossible to go back, it was impossible to move forward, it was impossible to do anything but stand as they were doing and try to figure out what the next appropriate thing was to say. 

"Why don't you sit down?" Chandler motioned to the couch. 

"Listen Mon," Phoebe said. "We really need to go. We have to still drive back to the city...." Rachel knew that they were racking their brains for excuses to leave. Leave and allow Monica to have to pick up the pieces. That was what she was best at, picking up the pieces. 

"I'll walk you to the door," Monica said handing Maddie to Chandler who put Jamie down on the couch. Chandler took her and gave quick goodbyes to everyone as they shuffled off. 

"So," he said when they had all left the room. 

"So." She paused and then asked the question she had been dying to know the answer to. "Are you guys still happy? Is everything perfect the way it seems?" 

"Nothing and no one is perfect Rachel," Chandler stated. "But yeah, we're really happy. Happier, I suppose, then most people that I know. I love her. I've loved her forever. I'll love her for all eternity. I love my kids. I love my life. Are things always great? No. We fight. We argue all the time, but I know that she loves me and that I love her and in the end it's all irrelevant when Juliana smiles at me and I can see her mother in her, or when Jamie laughs and it echoes her laugh. And Maddie, who wasn't supposed to be born, but you weren't here for that. So are we perfect? No. But we're damn close." Rachel could do nothing but stare at her friend. Was this the same man who was terrified of commitment? Was this the same guy who had a chick and a duck for pets? When had he grown up? Why had she missed it? And why hadn't her husband been like this? Why had Monica picked a great one and she had picked a lousy one? Where in the cards did it say that was fair? A voice echoed inside her head. _Life's not fair. _

Not fair.

Life's not fair. 

No Rachel decided. Life was not fair. But she had known that. She had known that for awhile. When her husband cheated on her and she learned of his indiscretion, she had learned it quickly. Up until that time, she had told herself that like Monica and Chandler, she had a perfect existence. There was that song. Where had she heard it? She couldn't remember, but she remembered the words_. Life is unfair, kill yourself, or get over it. _(AN: The song is called Child Psychology by Black Box Recorder. It's a strange, strange song)

"Why did you come back?" Monica came into the living room and sat next to her husband who put his hand on her thigh.

"I came back....well..." This was it, she could tell the God-awful truth about her returning, or she could sugar-coat it. It was time to tell the truth. If she had learned anything it was that nothing good could come from lying. How funny it took her thirty-odd years to gain this knowledge when it seemed everyone else had known this all along. 

"Why?" Chandler inquired prompting Rachel to finish her sentence. 

"Because I couldn't stay there anymore. And I'm sorry. I'm sorry for leaving, and for choosing him, that was wrong. But I'm sorry and I want to be forgiven, and he cheated on me Monica. He cheated and really didn't even try to cover it up! He let Eva meet her before he had even told me and she unknowingly told me. She didn't know what she was doing. But he....and her....and they're getting married. And where does that leave me? I gave up everything for him! I gave up you and I gave up my home and I gave up everything and where does that leave me? It leaves me a single mother, and I adore Eva, I truly do, but I can't do this on my own. I can't and I need you guys. I need your support. So please, please can you forgive me?" Monica and Chandler remained quiet. 

"I want to forgive you Rachel...but something in me can't. I don't know why, but I just can't. Not yet anyway, not now. Maybe after things sink in, maybe after a night's sleep over it," Monica stood up and wrung her hands together and sighed. "But stay here. In the extra bedroom, I'll set it up for you and Eva." She took Maddie back off Chandler and went upstairs and Rachel could hear her talking. 

"Eva, honey, you're going to stay here. Your mommy is downstairs, but you can either stay with her or in Juliana's room."  
"Can I stay in Juliana's?"

"It's okay with me, why don't you run down and ask your mother?" A minute later, Eva appeared. 

"Can I stay in Julie's room?"

"Sure."

"She told me that I could call her Julie," Eva said leaning forward to whisper into her mother's ear.

"That's great sweetheart," Rachel forced a smile. Eva gave her a hug and kiss and then ran after Monica. Chandler picked up Jamie and threw him over his shoulders causing him to laugh and gave a small smile to Rachel.

"You hurt her, but she'll get over it. I think...."

"I've missed a lot haven't I?"

"Yes. You've missed a lot." Chandler nodded again, more to himself then to Rachel. He went upstairs and Rachel was left alone in the living room. Where did this leave her? Where did this leave anything? She was too tired to deal with it now. She would deal with it in the morning. 

~* So that's the second part. Please tell me if you still like it. I'll explain better in the next chapter what exactly had happened between the friends, but you have to review first!~*


	3. You can't have both

~* Thanks so much for reviewing, it made my day! So make my day again and review again! Although, I'm pretty happy right now because I got into the college that I wanted to!!!!! Go me!!!!~*

Disclaimer: Okay, so I'm running out of cute catchy things to say, so they're not mine. Never were, never will be. 

"Give it back!" Rachel woke up to screaming throughout the house. She rubbed her eyes and glanced at the clock. It was nine in the morning. "Give it back now! Mom!" It took her a moment to remember where she was. 

"Jamie! Give your sister back her toy."

"No." More yelling from Juliana, more stomping. A baby began to cry. 

"Now," Monica's voice was now more menacing and Rachel could hear Jamie's audible sigh. She swung her legs over the side of the bed and threw on the robe that Monica had set out for her. She loved the warmth that the robe provided. The safety in that terrycloth robe was overwhelming. It smelled like her best friend, and she took a deep breath and then walked down to the kitchen. Eva was sitting with the Bing kids swinging her legs and eating the breakfast that Monica had prepared. 

"Morning Mommy," Evie said smiling up at her mother. Monica turned from her position from the stove and Chandler lowered the paper he had been reading. 

"Morning sweetheart," she said coming over and placing a kiss on the top of Evie's head. 

"Mrs. Bing made breakfast," Evie said. 

"I told you already to call me Monica," Monica chimed in.

"Monica," Evie repeated and grinned. They were the first adults to let her call them by their first names. 

"I have to go," Chandler said folding the paper and standing up. He walked to where his wife was standing and gave her a kiss.

"Ew," Juliana groaned. Chandler ignored her and dipped Monica and then turned and grinned at his oldest daughter. "That's gross Daddy." 

"I know," he said and gave Monica one more kiss before letting go and walking towards the closet where he pulled out his coat and slid his arms into the holes. He came back into the kitchen and picked Maddie up out of her highchair. He gave her a kiss and then placed her gently back in and then opened his arms and Jamie first jumped into them.

"Have fun at work Daddy," his little voice instructed. 

"Will do," Chandler winked at his son. Rachel watched and couldn't move. This was the way it was supposed to be. This was how her life should for all intents and purposes have gone. She glanced at her daughter who watched the entire scene with wide eyes. So she knew too, she knew that they had gotten the bum end of the deal. Her father had never done this with her. He had been up and out of the house before she was awake and carrying on extramarital affairs after work so he rarely came home before she was in bed. Rachel felt hot tears sting her eyes. 

"Bye Daddy," This time Juliana was the one to launch herself onto her father. 

"Bye Princess," he said. He gave one more wink to his wife, and was gone. Eva was still solemnly watching the family. 

"Rachel?" Rachel was surprised to see that Monica was talking to her. 

"Yes?"

"Would you like some breakfast?"

"Sure. That would be great," Rachel said taking a seat. When was the last time anyone had made anything for her? Monica. Monica had been the last person to make her anything. It was that morning. The morning that she announced her intentions. 

__

5 years before:

"Hey Rachel," Monica smiled at her as she walked into the apartment. Juliana sat in her high chair and banged her cup against the top. 

"Hi Mon. Hi Juliana," she tickled the infant, who giggled in response. 

"Want some breakfast?"

"Sure," she grabbed a seat. Although, she wasn't hungry. A huge weight sat on her shoulders and made her stomach hurt and not be in the mood for food. 

"Mon?" They heard Chandler from the bedroom. 

"Yes?"

"Did you see my tie?"

"What tie? Chandler, you have like thousands of ties."

"Not true."

"Sure it is."

"That's not true, I don't have thousands." Monica moaned in frustration.

"It was an exaggeration Chandler. You're turning into Joey."

"That's not fair," he came out and Rachel could see that he was smiling. He was enjoying torturing his wife. Rachel bit back her grin as she grabbed a piece of toast. Monica groaned again. 

"Chandler."She threw a towel at him which he expertly caught. 

"Monica." He stopped and looked under the cushion of the couch. "Seriously, have you seen my tie?" 

"Seriously, what tie?"

"The yellow one."

"Yellow doesn't match that."

"Sure it does."

"Sure it doesn't."

"Rachel?" Chandler turned to Rachel for her opinion.

"It doesn't match."

"Are you sure?"

"It definitely doesn't match."

"Damn it."

"Don't swear in front of the baby," Monica scolded, but her eyes gave her away as they sparkled with amusement. "And I told you. It doesn't match."

"I can't....fine. Which tie does match?" Monica began to wipe off her hands when the baby began to cry. 

"I'll go and help him, Monica," Rachel offered and went into the bedroom to help Chandler pick a tie that matched. 

"What about this one?" He held up a hideous pink tie.

"You are hopeless," Rachel said digging through the closet. Monica's organization skills are amazing, she thought to herself as she searched the ties. She came up triumphant and trust it at Chandler.

"Here."

"Thanks Rachel."

"Hey, um...can we all meet for dinner?" She bit her lip nervously. Chandler was in too much of a hurry and barely noticed that she was nervous. 

"Sure, I'll check with Monica first and get a babysitter."

"Thanks." She left the room and went back to her breakfast. She was suddenly starving and began inhaling food. 

"Geez, Rach," Monica said. "Slow down. You're acting like I did when I was pregnant." Her eyes got wide. "Are you pregnant?" Rachel froze for a moment. Chandler came in. Thank God for small miracles, she thought to herself. 

"I'm off." Monica gave Rachel one last look before giving Chandler a kiss goodbye. He gave another kiss to Juliana and then waved at Rachel, grabbed a piece of toast, and left the apartment. Maybe she forgot, Rachel tried to convince herself. She forgot that it was Monica that they were talking about. The woman had the memory of an elephant. 

"So, are you?" She asked bluntly. Rachel stalled thinking of a good answer. She was going to tell her that night. So what was the problem if she told her now? No. She couldn't tell her now. She would just give a vague answer. The problem was thinking of a vague answer. 

"Um..."

"You are." Monica placed her hands on her hips. Well, there went that plan. Um is obviously not a vague answer. "With who? The new boyfriend? The one we met a few times?" Monica leaned forward to delight in the gossip. 

"Yes, Chris."

"I'm so happy for you!" Monica cried throwing her arms around her best friend's neck. "I mean, I can be happy, right?" Rachel nodded, afraid that her trembling lip would give her away. She wanted to cry. She wanted to curl into a ball and sob her heart out. This was not how this was supposed to be. It was supposed to happen like it did with Monica. She was supposed to get married and then have the baby. Not the other way around. She couldn't control the tears and they began to pour out. 

" Oh Monica," she said and tightened her grip on her best friend. "So much has happened." She pulled away slightly to wipe the tears that freely flowed. 

"Besides the pregnancy?"

"Yes. I've known I was pregnant for awhile. And that's not the half of it."

"What else happened sweetie?"

"He wants me to marry him."

"That's fantastic!" She stopped when she saw Rachel's face. "It's fantastic isn't it?"

"No!" 

"Why not honey?"

"He....oh God...he wants me to move to Chicago with him." That's where Monica stepped back from Rachel.

"Chicago?"

"Yes."

"As in Illinois? As in another state? Another time zone?" 

"Yes!"

"Are you going?"

"I think so." Monica's eyes watered, but she remained calm. 

"Okay. Okay. Then we write and visit and if you have a little girl, her and Juliana can be the best of friends. She can stay with us in the summer, or Jules can stay with you. Or at least when they're old enough..." She trailed off when she saw Rachel shaking her head.

"No."

"Excuse me?"

"I said no. That can't happen if I go with him."

"Why not?"

"He....he told me...that....I have to choose." 

"Choose between what honey?"

"You guys or him." Monica gasped. 

"Why?" Rachel shrugged. She didn't want to tell Monica the truth. That Chris had hated them. That he had told Rachel in no uncertain terms that she had to pick. In fact, his exact words had been: _You can't have both Rachel. _

You can't have both. 

But she wanted both. She wanted him and her friends. How was she supposed to choose? How was that fair? How could he ask her to choose? 

"Why?" Monica asked again. "There has to be a reason."

"Does it matter?" Rachel asked. 

"Yes. It does. It matters to me."

"Monica."

"What?" 

"Please understand."

"You've already chosen." Monica shook her head as tears fell down her cheeks. "You already chose him."

"I have to!"

"Why? If he forces you to give up your friends, then he's a jerk, Rachel. He's a jerk. And doesn't deserve you."

"Oh what the hell would you know?" Rachel's temper reached it's breaking point and she felt all her anger swell up inside her. She was sick of Monica's condescending attitude. She didn't consider for a moment that she might be jealous, that it might be just her overreacting. At the time she had felt perfectly justified in her attack on Monica. She felt that she was right. That Monica was being condescending, because she had a husband and a daughter and her career was on the fast track, with the option of buying her own restaurant. That little voice, though, was in the back of her mind. Jealous, it taunted her. You're nothing but jealous. You thought that you would be the one with the perfect life. Jealous, jealous, jealous. And the words spilled out. She kept going well past the line where she should have stopped. Monica's face turned red and she stared at Rachel. 

"Excuse me?"

"You sit there with your perfect husband and daughter and perfect life and judge me? You act so superior. What if Chandler asked you to choose? Are you telling me we wouldn't be left out in the cold?"

"Chandler would never ask me to choose." 

"No, of course not. Because just like you, he's perfect." Rachel gave a bitter laugh. "You know, since you've gotten married, you've become a real bitch. I wonder how Chandler puts up with you. If I were him I would have run screaming by now." Monica's hand reached up and slapped her. Rachel knew that she had gone too far. She knew that she had crossed that invisible line. She wasn't sure exactly where the line was, but she was pretty sure it was insulting your best friend and calling her names. 

"Get out." 

"Mon."

"I can't look at you right now, get out of my apartment." Monica turned her back on Rachel and picked her daughter up and walked out of the room. 

"Can we talk about this later?" Rachel called after. The anger dissolved and she was suddenly aware of what she had done. 

"Maybe, just leave," Monica said, and Rachel was so concerned with herself that she didn't hear her friend's voice shake as she walked out and closed the door. 

__

Present:

Monica set the plate in front of Rachel. She studied her former friend's face. 

"Are you okay?" Rachel could plainly see concern on her friend's face. Something that she hadn't seen from Monica, or anyone for that matter, in a long time. 

"Yes. I'm fine."

"Okay," Monica turned and cut up Jamie's pancakes for him. 

"Monica?" Monica turned around again. 

"Yes?"

"For what it's worth. I didn't mean any of it." Monica looked down and for a brief second, Rachel saw a tear trickle down her face. She turned her head away and wiped it and then returned her attention to cutting Jamie's pancakes. 

"I know." 

"You do?"

"I always knew. That doesn't change the fact that it hurt." 

"I know." And they both sat in silence once more.

~* Okay, one more chapter and then I'm done. But I need to know if it's still worth continuing. Anyway, drop me a note and tell me what you think. Since school is back and I have a serious case of Senioritis (Seriously, I really do. I have a countdown to how many more days until I graduate) I need all the pick-me-ups I can get. ~*


	4. The way a reunion should be

~* Thanks again for the reviews, and since this will probably be the last chapter, once more and I'll love you all forever.*~

Disclaimer: I don't own any of them. Okay, happy now? I own not a single one of the characters that appears on the television show Friends.

The house was quiet. Rachel and Eva sat in the Bing's living room and read a book. Monica had taken Maddie and Jamie out shopping with her, and Chandler was at work and Juliana was at school. Eva slipped off the couch and started looking at the photographs all over the mantle and the bookshelves. 

"Mommy! Look, you're in this one!" Evie grabbed the frame from it's position and ran over to Rachel. It was Monica and Chandler's wedding picture. And Eva was right, there she was, smiling while holding her flowers and posing with her best friends. Well, former best friends. She felt like a fifth grader saying that. Her former friends. She reminded herself that she had no one but herself to blame. 

"That's me all right," Rachel said and she felt tears rim her eyes. She stood up and walked over to examine the photographs. There were some of Juliana that she was in, but then she disappeared and was replaced by Jamie and Maddie, and Ross's wife and Phoebe's husband. She picked up the photo album labeled James Daniel and began flipping through it. Monica shined radiantly while she held up the newborn for the camera, but Rachel could see something in her eyes. Sadness maybe? Why would she be sad? She vaguely remembered something that Chandler had said about Maddie , and how she wasn't supposed to be born. He had told her that she had missed it all. What happened? The door opened and Monica came in with shopping bags in one hand and Maddie in the other. 

"Do you need help?" Rachel asked coming into the front hall.

"If you could take the bags?" Monica asked and Rachel grabbed them and Monica gave her a grateful smile as she balanced Maddie on her hip. "Jamie! Come on in!" The little boy ran past his mother and up the stairs. 

"Where do you want me to put them?" She asked. 

"In the kitchen is fine," Monica waved her hand towards the kitchen and walked into the living room to set Maddie down in her playpen. "Thanks." She pulled her coat off and placed it down. Rachel was summoning enough courage to talk to Monica. She was dying to know what had happened. Why had Monica looked so sad in the picture where she's holding Jamie? 

"Mon?" She asked softly. Monica turned around surprised. 

"Yes?" She waited for Rachel to continue. 

"What happened when Jamie was born?"

"What are you talking about?"

"Evie and I were looking at some pictures, and you look so sad in the one picture when you're holding Jamie. Your eyes are red from crying...."

"Did you think that maybe my eyes were red from crying because I was happy? I just had a baby," Monica retorted with her hands on her hips in a defensive stance. Now Rachel knew that there was more to that then Monica was telling. 

"Is that the reason?" Rachel asked softly. Monica sighed. 

"No," she admitted. "That was not the reason I had been crying." 

"Then why?" 

"Why do you want to know? You left remember? If you had been there, then you would know. You would know how I had a c-section when I had Jamie and almost died and as a result they told me I couldn't have any more kids. You would know how worried Chandler was my entire third pregnancy, and how I was on bed rest for the entire last month. But you don't. Because you weren't there." Monica grabbed the shopping bags from off the table and stormed out of the room. Rachel let herself slip into a chair and ran her hands through her hair. She should have never come back. No good was coming from her being back. The door opened and Chandler walked in with Juliana. 

"Where's Mon?" He asked. 

"She's in the living room," Rachel told him. Chandler eyed her suspiciously.

"What happened?" 

"Nothing, I screwed up. I always screw up. Always." She fled the room and ran up to the extra bedroom and pulled the suitcase out and began to throw things into it. 

"What are you doing?" Juliana stood poised at the door. 

"We have to leave."

"Why?" The little girl sure was inquisitive. 

"Because your mother doesn't want me here," Rachel told her honestly. "And if she doesn't want me here, then I'll leave. I don't want to cause her anymore trouble." Juliana thought about this for a moment. 

"She was sad without you," she told Rachel coming into the bedroom and sitting on the chair across from the bed. Her legs swung back and forth. "She would talk about you." Rachel was surprised. 

"How would she talk about me?"

"She would tell me how you were best friends and how much fun you used to have together," Juliana shrugged. "She doesn't hate you. She just can't figure out why you left still and it hurts. But if she didn't love you then it wouldn't hurt," Juliana stated pensively and Rachel saw wisdom in the six-year-old's eyes far beyond her years. She kicked her feet a few more times and hopped off the chair. 

"What should I do then?" Rachel was asking a little girl for her advice, she was asking a person twenty-eight years younger than herself what to do. But she was Monica's daughter, there was no mistaking that. She had her mother in her, and if anyone knew what to do, it would be this girl, this child. 

"Mommy says that if you talk things through then you can forgive and forget," Juliana told her. "That's what she tells Jamie and me." 

"Thanks Jules," Rachel said and then after she left, sunk down onto the bed holding her hands in her lap and contemplating what to do next. There was a small knock on the door. 

"Can I come in?" Monica stood there. 

"Sure, it's your house," Rachel said and stood up nervously. 

"I don't want you to leave," Monica said. "I can't understand, Rachel, I still can't understand what had happened. What we did to make you go away?" Monica began to cry. Years of wondering left her unable to control the tears that fell. 

"You didn't do anything," Rachel said and her eyes filled with tears. Is that what she thought? Did she think that she was to blame for Rachel going with Chris?

"But, then....why?"

"I don't know," Rachel told her shrugging. "It seemed like a good idea at the time. I loved him, I didn't want to be a single mother, and I was jealous."

"You were jealous? Of who?"

"You."

"Why? I was jealous of you. This great career, and all this freedom that you had." Rachel had never considered the other side of it. She had never looked at it from Monica's point of view.

"Oh Mon. I was so jealous of you I couldn't breathe! You had everything that I wanted. And I guess deep down I always thought that I would get those things first," Rachel finally let the truth come out. "And I let my stupid mouth get the better of me and said things that I really, truly didn't mean." She felt relieved, as if a huge weight had been lifted off her shoulders. 

"But they hurt Rach, and not just me, everyone. You hurt everyone."

"I know. But I couldn't think straight and Chris just...he was an ass Mon. You were absolutely right." Then they both giggled through their tears. "And he cheated on me! And...I hated Chicago. I wasn't happy there. It's a great city, but all I could think of was coming here. Coming home." Monica moved closer to her best friend. She was ready to forgive. She was ready to let the past go. It was time to move on. 

"I'm sorry Rachel," she said tearfully. 

"No, I'm sorry Mon. I was so wrong, I missed you so much," she began to sob as her best friend threw her arms around her and they rocked back and forth crying and laughing. Crying because of all the years they missed, and laughing because they now could make them up. A knock on the door caught their attention and they looked up to see Chandler standing there with Maddie in his arms smiling. 

"Oh Chandler, I'm so sorry," Rachel said she went and gave him a hug. Maddie giggled and everyone else laughed. 

"It's nice to have you back where you belong," he whispered in her ear. His wife laughed and wiped the remaining tears from her eyes. When they went back downstairs, they found Eva and Juliana sitting on the floor playing perfectly content. 

"I think that they're going to be the very best of friends," Monica told Rachel slipping an arm around her waist, Rachel leaned her head against Monica's as they watched their daughters. Rachel hoped for both of them that they never let any man come in between them. She hoped that they didn't make the same mistakes that she had. 

"If Monica could forgive you, then they will too," Chandler reassured Rachel. Monica gave him a look and hit him lightly. Rachel laughed nervously. It was true, Monica had been the toughest battle, or so she had thought. The way that Phoebe had glared at her hadn't given her high hopes for a happy reunion. 

"We're leaving," Monica called. The babysitter holding Maddie came into the hallway. "We won't be home too late. Jamie goes to bed at eight, and the girls go to bed at nine."

"Okay, Mrs. Bing," she said nodding. 

"Bye darling," Monica gave Maddie a kiss and then Jamie came running in and wrapped his arms around his mother's legs. 

"Gotta go Momma?"

"Gotta go sweetie," she said scooping him up and giving him a hug. The three adults walked out to the car together and climbed in.

"I don't know if I should go," Rachel said. She wanted to back out. She wanted to run into the house and not go. She didn't want to face the music. It was too much, too much emotion had already been spent. She didn't know if she had any more to waste. 

"I can't do this," she said again.   
"Rachel," Monica said sharply turning in her seat to look at her in the back. "You're going. That's final." Rachel felt like a kid again with her mother making her go somewhere that she didn't want to. She felt like whining, "But I don't wannna!" She shut her mouth and shivered as she pulled her coat closer to her body. Chandler glanced over at his wife and Rachel saw him take her hand and squeeze as they drove to the restaurant. He parked and they all made their way to the front door. Monica gave Rachel a smile before opening the door and slipping inside. The rest of their friends were waiting for them.

"Monica!" Phoebe stood up and gave Monica a hug before she caught sight of Rachel. "I told you not to bring her." Rachel would have thought out of all of them, Phoebe would be the easiest. She was so able to forgive and forget. She had forgiven her real mother for giving her up, and almost always just let things slide. Monica had explained that Phoebe never trusted anyone because she was afraid that they would leave her, but she had with the friends and when Rachel left, it was just a slap in the face for Phoebe. 

"She doesn't hate you ," Monica told Rachel. "She was just betrayed by a person that she never expected to betray her."

"Phoebe, I thought that Rachel could join us for dinner and we could talk," Monica said calmly using a voice usually reserved for her children. Joey, however, was sick of being bitter towards his former friend and roommate.

"Rachel," he said setting down his napkin and climbing to his feet. "I'm glad that you came home." She nearly shouted with joy and wept tears of relief when she fell into his open embrace. 

"Thanks Joey," she said and kissed him on the cheek. Ross also got up and gave her a welcome home hug. So these types of reunions do exist, Rachel thought. You just have to be able to forgive and forget. Monica gave Phoebe an imploring look. 

"Rachel?" Phoebe stood up and stood opposite her.

"Yes?"

"Do you promise never to do it again?"

"I swear," Rachel told her honestly. "Never again." Phoebe wavered for a moment before allowing herself to hug Rachel. 

"Then welcome home." Monica leaned against Chandler who kissed her head. 

"She's home," Chandler whispered into her ear. 

"I know," Monica smiled whispering back. "She should have never left." Chandler nodded and they sat down to eat dinner with their friends. All of their friends.

~* So that's the end folks. Please review and tell me what you thought about the end. I'm hiding away in my bedroom because they're redoing our kitchen and frankly, I'm frightened to go down there. But drop me a note and make me feel better!~*


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